Sometimes I just want to break things.
Not things as in the clutter around me, but more like the clutter inside me.
Sometimes I just get so sick of the boredom, the inertia, the futility…all that I want in life, all that I love…I just want to sweep it all off the table in a single furious swipe and hear it smash to the ground. I want to feel the pain of loss, the latent appreciation for all that I have. I want to sort through the rubble and start over. Free. Because nothing matters now. Because there’s nothing left to lose.
Last night, sitting on a Somerville rooftop with my taekwon-do teacher, I leaned close to the edge and felt a vortex form around me. Silently, motionlessly, I heard myself scream into the night, rage, whimper, stomp my feet; I saw myself step forward off the rooftop, sail hands-above-head into the street below. I didn’t move. Vertigo. The heavy, sweet August air enveloped me where I stood, smoldering in my impotent rage. Crickets sang, I could see the lights of Boston through the trees and rooftops in the distance…
Do not go gentle into that good night…Rage, rage against the dying of the light…