ennui ennui

Sometimes I just want to break things.

Not things as in the clutter around me, but more like the clutter inside me.

Sometimes I just get so sick of the boredom, the inertia, the futility…all that I want in life, all that I love…I just want to sweep it all off the table in a single furious swipe and hear it smash to the ground. I want to feel the pain of loss, the latent appreciation for all that I have. I want to sort through the rubble and start over. Free. Because nothing matters now. Because there’s nothing left to lose.

Last night, sitting on a Somerville rooftop with my taekwon-do teacher, I leaned close to the edge and felt a vortex form around me. Silently, motionlessly, I heard myself scream into the night, rage, whimper, stomp my feet; I saw myself step forward off the rooftop, sail hands-above-head into the street below. I didn’t move. Vertigo. The heavy, sweet August air enveloped me where I stood, smoldering in my impotent rage. Crickets sang, I could see the lights of Boston through the trees and rooftops in the distance…

Fucking ennui.

Do not go gentle into that good night…Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

  ¶ 8/22/2003 03:11:00 PM